20131030
♥ To those days
It's a gloomy day today. Or rather, it has been gloomy for the past few days.
Things I really wanna do on gloomy days:
1) Lie on my bed all day long
Unfortunately, both of which, could not be done (often).
And today is such a day, whereby I just wanna do nothing all day. If there is anything I would want to do, it is flipping through old chatlogs and diaries, and laughing over how stupid I sound in the past. Today, I decided to re-read some past MSN chatlogs with a friend. MSN, lol funny it doesn't even exist now. I kind of miss it.
So here goes... J was a good friend of mine. Important word here is "was". We used to talk so well and something it all vanished. Because I said the wrong thing. I am saying this once and for all: I CANNOT KEEP SECRETS FOR NUTS. It has since improved a lot a lot, but I still think I suck at keeping secrets.
We all had times whereby we were wrong. Whereby we made mistakes, which we regret, up till now. Losing J as a good friend was one of my biggest regrets. It wasn't that we drifted apart or anything. It was because I misplaced the trust J had in me, and that was so within my control, but I did not manage to control it.
I still see J once in a while. We are still friends. Just... kind of distant. But I cannot forget that pair of eyes, and those disappointment that I saw. But that hit me deeply. And that made me grow, and know that when we make a promise, we jolly well honour it. A lot has changed, and sometimes I wish, if I have worked harder these days, I might have been able to bridge the gap between us.
But my point is... so much time has passed. I have come to realise that some good things are meant to be reminisced, and that sometimes it is better to just let things be. It is not an excuse to not patch things up. It is more like, I have come to the realisation that, even if we both have the intention to bring back our friendship again, it will never be the same again. Some people are just meant to be a thing of the past, and we have gradually grown so far and so apart, it is better to move on.
To J, thank you for always bringing out the best in me (at least in the past).
And ending off with a phrase I LOL-ed at when I saw: "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions." HAHAHAH
20131016
♥ Think happy thoughts.
I've been surprisingly happy these few days. I attribute it to a couple of things.
One. Some of the boys have delivered good news to me. If you know me, my number of guy friends have dwindled over the years. And those that I keep contact with, I truly think that there are nice guys who deserve to be loved. Of which, I've just heard news that two of them are happily attached now. (: Although I have done zero things to help them, but still, I felt like a proud mama. Like I married my boys off (although these guys are older than me). I may have been pretty lag in hearing these good news, but then again, hearing it from them personally made me especially excited. :D
Two. I have been reading a lot of past chatlogs, past emails, past blog entries, past FB posts recently. Feeling nostalgic these days, and especially so upon realising that my student life is ending in less than a year. A lot has run through in my mind these few days, and I absolutely love how my life has been so fun, so entertaining, so exciting. To NJMD, to both batches of DZ, to CAC, to Gucci peeps. Thank you for everything!!
Three. Not exactly a happy thing yet. But I'm thinking, I should make the last few months of my student life meaningful. Like do what I really want to do. Like now, I'm thinking if I should go back to Gucci this Decemeber. (That's if they're willing to take me back too). And also, if there is Aristal next year, whether I can go back to dance as an alumni. And also, go back as a proggie for next year's FOC. These are things that I cannot do again once I start my full-time job in July next year. So, if possible, I would really want to do it again if I can.
Other issues I have to on hand now. One. I've been told to stay off contacts for a month. I am sick and tired of specs and I honestly hate wearing specs because it seems like it doesn't go well with any of my clothes. But then again, I'm pretty sure it's a self-esteem issue. I've sort of gotten used to wearing specs because I've been meeting many people in those specs already (even though unwillingly). And the sad thing is, people cannot seem to recognise me when I call out to them/wave to them. T.T I also hope to reduce my dependency on contacts, but not by all these eye issues.
Two. The career choice. Have had 3 offers thus far. But honestly, nothing amazing since it's all from Big 4 and I'm not getting some big shot jobs like investment banker. But then again, banks are not my cup of tea, perhaps maybe operations. I've currently decided on a career in tax, as seen from how worried I was when I didn't receive the call, to how I totally shrieked when I received the call. For now, pay and job prospects are not my first priority now. Passion is. Though a career in tax meant I won't be travelling as much as I wish, but there are always pros and cons to everything we do. I'm also ignoring all those bank assessment tests and I'm hoping I will not regret this.
20131013
♥ Amazing
You know it's amazing how friendships develop over time. Of course, some fail, but some last long.
I used to have many guy friends and many girl friends too. And I can seem to relate to every single person somehow. Used to. In secondary school. Me is the social butterfly.
But at current times, I'm glad to have friends who stood with me, despite me always being not expressive about how appreciate I am of them, or me never taking the initiative to meet, or worse, never bothering to meet. And so there goes most superficial friends/acquaintances.
Yesterday and today, I realised I have 2 really special friends. TK, and NTH. TK is an amazing person, hahah despite different nationalities and cultures, I can talk to him about anything. And we're never awkward around each other (at least not that I feel) and he even became my one-day bf to trick Ms. Hwarng HAHAH. It's hilarious, but I love how comfortable I can be talking with him.
NTH amazes me. Or rather, my friendship with him, amazes me. He is literally an online friend. He claims I added him on Friendster. Friendster, what age was I when I was using it. Honestly, I couldn't remember. But maybe I really did. 'Cause I know I added many random schoolmates or friends' friend or acquaintances because we were crazy with testimonials at that time. Hahah we've been friends for i-dont-know-how-many years, and we talked pretty well, offline of course. We did try to meet once or twice, like his birthday party, but didn't work out. Actually, come to think of it, maybe I should let things stay this way. I'm too old to handle awkward situations now if we do meet, and anyway, online friends may not be THAT bad too. And he offers amazing advices, on my studies, or career choices.
But of course, ZB if you do read this, our 10-yrs friendship of course important luh!!! Just mentioning it, in case ZB thinks he didn't fall into the list of special hahah.
20131005
♥ A night of confessions.
A lot is on my mind right now.
But currently, career decisions.
What you like to do V.S. What you should do V.S. What you can do.
It's a mixture of passion, working hours, work-life balance, practicality, job prospects and money. We are starting to get realistic, and then entering the real world. But first, all these issues only come with job offers. Which currently I have only one. So there's nothing to think about too.
Secondly, I've finally broken free from some kind of internal struggle. Which lasted for the past 6 years. It's hard to admit this, but I've wasted 6 years of my life on this guy. Initially, I couldn't get over him. Subsequently, I couldn't get over it. And finally, I couldn't get past the barrier I've placed myself. And the worst thing of all was, it was a one-sided thing on my part. I didn't like to mention it previously, and I still wouldn't like to mention about it now too. (As noticed from how briefly I tried to bring it across)
But okay that aside, my mum has been urging me to find a boyfriend recently. Tell me, why are parents so contradicting? Used to forbid you from all these things, and now rushing you to find a boyfriend?! You think boyfriends drop from the sky is it?
One last thing, I'm getting really tired. Can I just ask for more peace? No sarcasm, no finger-pointing, no badmouthing. It's something I hate to mention, and even in this space, I don't want too much information to be divulged.
Tonight is a night of confessions. Of being too mentally and emotionally strong. Of saying that I need a break someday. And because I can't take off this mask unless alone (which I seldom am), all these can only appear here.
Everyone faces times like this. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I will be back.
